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Kavannah of Transformation

My husband Theo and I got married eight years ago at BJ. I was 34 and he was 47. We both wanted children, but I think we also both knew that, due to some health issues, having children naturally might be difficult. We couldn’t have imagined, however, that our journey toward having a family would take seven years, including three early miscarriages, and many doctors telling us they had no answers.

After the third miscarriage, Theo and I decided it was time to look for a new opportunity and try to transform our set idea of how we would have a family, so we decided to start the adoption process. This was a difficult decision for both of us, but, as we began to embrace the idea of adoption, my idea of what it meant to have a family transformed. I accepted that, for me, it wasn’t about the human you carry on the inside, or the blood that flows through each of you; it’s about the love and commitment you give to a child. I realized that I couldn’t give up on the blessing to love and care for a child—even if that child wasn’t biologically mine

During this journey, I experienced many moments of deep sadness. I felt like I was disappointing everyone I loved most in the world, especially my husband. I would then think about how this journey made me stronger, more in tune with my emotions. I then became even more committed to the idea of having a family. The journey also transformed our marriage, making us better communicators and listeners, and we fell even more deeply in love.

Although one in five women miscarry at least once, miscarriage and infertility are still considered taboo topics, and are not talked about nearly enough. I want those who experience these challenges to feel comfortable opening up about this topic. I want women to know they are not alone, and they shouldn’t feel ashamed of these struggles.

Last year on Rosh Hashanah, I prayed that by the next Rosh Hashanah we would have adopted a baby, or that by some miracle, I would get pregnant. I knew that this day may be years away, or it might never come at all. I tried to remember all the women in the Torah who struggled and then went on to have children.

Above all, I have learned to never give up. After seven years, Theo and I decided to try IVF only one time. At age 42, I am now fifteen weeks pregnant. While I know that there are no guarantees, with no assurances of what each day or moment will bring, I recognize that this is a day I thought may never come. What a transformation this journey has truly been.